the lost sheep: an autobiographical allegory

the lost sheep: an autobiographical allegory

by: debbie haltom

Psalms 23 and John 10

once there was a bounteous meadow in the high places of the world. there were many flocks of sheep in this meadow, tended by a warm and benevolent Shepherd, who lovingly provided everything the flocks needed. but sheep, as everyone knows, are prone to wander, having no sense of the dangers in the wilderness. one day, one of the ewes wandered far from her flock. alone in the wild expanse, her time came upon her and she gave birth to a lamb. for awhile, they wandered together, the ewe doing her best to scratch out the meager sustenance offered by the barren land in order to provide for her offspring. though she remembered a time when there had been a beautiful meadow and bountiful food, she could not remember the way back there. the lamb, however, knew nothing other than the cold, unforgiving wilderness.

one day, in her desire for clear water to drink, the ewe waded too deeply into a muddy stream. as she drank, the water and mud soaked into her wool and the weight dragged her under and she drowned. the lamb was left to fend for itself.

as the years passed, the scrawny lamb grew into a thinly muscled sheep. life in the wilderness was a daily struggle to survive. she learned that if she pressed into the bramble bushes, she could find a few tasty, green sprouts in the middle. In order to get to them, however, she had to allow the burrs to scratch her flesh and entangle themselves in her wool. it was never enough to satisfy her hunger, but it assured her survival.

the ground in the wilderness was full of crevices and jagged rocks. she stumbled and fell many times before she learned to navigate more carefully and the wounds she received left her with several scars. numerous times, she would awaken in the middle of the night, in searing pain, to find that one of the jagged rocks had sliced into her soft underbelly. but over time the scar tissue built up and her skin toughened so that she no longer bled when the sharp edges pressed into her.

she would drink water from the muddy bank of the stream. she would never wade in to reach the clear water, having seen what happened to her dam. she got as much mud as water when she drank and it grated on her insides and caused her much pain. the mud covered her legs and encrusted her underbelly. this was all she knew of life and, amazingly, she survived.

sometimes, a strange hunger would come upon her that no amount of food could assuage and her misery would become so acute, she would think of following her dam into the deep moving water. but, somehow, she could never quite bring herself to do it.

one day, she heard a beautiful sound on the wind. it stirred in her that strange hunger and she was drawn towards it. as she moved around an outcropping of rocks, she came face to face with the Shepherd. she was paralyzed with fear and yet the Shepherd's soothing voice resonated within her and drew forth a longing inside her for something she could not identify. when the Shepherd moved towards her, her legs stepped backwards of their own volition. she was sore afraid and yet, at the same time, her heart leapt at the sound of His soft voice. it seemed to whisper to her of warmth, safety, and rest; things she had never known. she swallowed down her terror and courageously took a step towards him. He smiled and her heart seemed to burst within her. He used His staff to gently nudge her in the direction He wanted her to walk. it was a long journey back to the meadow, and at times, the sheep would be consumed with fear and try to run away, but the Shepherd would never let her go too far. He guided her with His staff and cajoled her with His voice.

all at once, they came over a large hill and the sheep beheld the meadow before her. she was filled with wonder and awe. the Shepherd gently nudged her toward a flock. as she came close, she saw that these sheep were plump and covered with such beautifully shining white wool that it hurt her eyes to look upon them. the Shepherd led her to the shallow pool of water in the middle of the flock and she drank. it was the sweetest, purist water she had ever known and joy sprang forth from her heart in such measure that it was painful to her. when she looked at the mirrored surface of the water, however, she saw for the first time, her reflection. her wool was a filthy dark brown, she was covered with burrs and scars, and she was half the size of the other sheep. shame engulfed her and she wept. the Shepherd cupped His hands, filled them with water and poured it over her head. He tenderly wiped away the dirt on her face and turned her to look into His eyes. her reflection there was of a beautiful, blazingly white sheep. there were no scars, no dirt, no tangles. she was filled with wonder that this was what the Shepherd saw when He looked at her. her heart began to know love. she looked at her reflection in the pool again and she saw a face that was not so very different from the ones in the meadow - once the dirt had been removed - and hope blossomed in her chest. perhaps, with the Shepherd's help, she could become as clean and shining as the other sheep.

the days passed and she experienced many new things: eating until she was completely satisfied, drinking her fill without the raw pain of dirt in her throat, warmth, and daily grooming by the Shepherd. each day He would choose a tangle of her wool and she knew a bittersweet pain as He combed out a burr.

when she tentatively approached the other sheep, however, they would look at her filthy, matted locks, her scars, and her bony frame, and they would turn their backs to her, and her shame would return. the sounds that issued from her damaged throat were harsh; not like the melodious bleating of the others. at night, the flock huddled together to share their warmth, but she was never included. she slept alone, and she discovered loneliness.

finally, the rejection of the flock caused her to believe she could never be as beautiful as they; that she could never belong there; that she had too many tangles, too many scars, and too much dirt. steeped in the terrible pain of that knowledge, she wandered away from the meadow and found herself back in the wilderness. the familiar pain of surviving there was almost a comfort to her compared to the sharp, biting pain of her rejection. and yet, her heart longed for the Shepherd's voice and her body ached for His touch.

time passed. while surviving, she obtained some new burrs to replace the ones the Shepherd had removed. as she tossed and turned one night, trying in vain to find a comfortable spot, she heard again the soft tones of His voice and she was compelled toward it once more. the Shepherd found her and the journey back to the meadow was begun. it was a much shorter walk this time and as she stepped into the high, lush grasses, she wondered that she had ever left.

this time, the Shepherd directed her to a different flock. she found much that was the same as the first one, yet these sheep treated her with kindness. they smiled and allowed her to drink and to graze beside them. at night, they encouraged her to sleep in their midst. as before, the Shepherd came each day to groom her wool, and for a time, she knew happiness.

as time went by, she began to notice things that disturbed her greatly. she saw that though the other sheep grazed beside her, they made certain that their clean, white folds never quite touched her dirty, stained ones. in sleep, they snuggled into each other and though she was among them, none touched her. when the other sheep smiled at her, she began to see that the smile did not reach their eyes. in their eyes, she saw the reflection of her filth, and shame returned to her heart. the falseness of the happiness she had felt drove her away from them and, all too soon, she was on the edge of the wild.

this time, though, she did not venture out into the wilderness, but wandered the edge of the meadow, always staying within sight of the Shepherd, yet never approaching any of the flocks. she drank at night when no others were there. she lived for the Shepherd's daily ministrations to her, His grooming and washing of her continuing. yet, it was painful to watch the flocks fellowship with each other and know that she could never belong, and bitterness grew in her heart.

each day, after the Shepherd was through with her, He would try to nudge her with His staff toward one or another of the flocks, but she would stubbornly dig in her heels and refuse to budge. He would not desist, however, and one day, in desperation, she dared to have hope again, though it filled her with terror. she allowed the Shepherd to guide her to a new flock, just formed in the most luscious part of the meadow. her heart pounded in her chest as she approached the ring of sheep, sure that she would again be condemned in rejection. she saw the smiles of the other sheep, and yet kept her eyes downcast, not daring to look into their eyes and see what they saw. but the other sheep came close to her and rubbed against her and she discovered the joyous warmth of touch that she had not known existed. some of the dried mud was brushed away by their rubbing. when night fell, they snuggled close to her and the joy of it caused her to weep.

in the morning, she screwed up every bit of her courage - more than she imagined she had - and looked into the eyes of one of the smiling sheep. and though she still carried a few burrs and her wool was still tinged with brown in places, the reflection in his eyes was the same as in the eyes of the Shepherd. unconditional love tore through her heart and washed away the bitterness. the sheep knew that at last, she had truly found a home where she belonged.